Mushy Monday - Abres Los Ojos

Sorry readers - I've had this post written for the past 3 weeks and then I kept forgetting to post it on a Monday! But I actually am on the ball today so here you are. Sorry for the wait!

The month of July went on and we saw each other off and on. Neither one of us was willing to admit that these were dates at the time, but looking back on it, they were. I continued with my Spanish class and my professor offered extra credit to anyone who watched a Spanish movie and wrote a paragraph or two (in Spanish of course!) as a movie review. I had mentioned to Armando that my professor had a running joke about his love for Penelope Cruz and Armando mentioned that we should watch "Abres Los Ojos" because Penelope was in it.

I wasn't too thrilled about the movie. I'd seen "Vanilla Sky" (the American version of the movie) and hated it. But it was extra credit and another opportunity to have a date, erm, hang out with Mando. So we decided I would pick up the movie one night after work and he would pick up dinner on the way to my apartment.

To be honest, I barely remember the movie. I remember it was vaguely better than "Vanilla Sky". But the other events of that night have blocked out any memories of the details from earlier in the night. The movie finished and we talked until midnight again. The topic was somewhat philosophical, but again the details are fuzzy.

As we said goodnight on my front porch, my memories become crystal clear. We hugged and I remember thinking how good he smelled as I hugged him. And then in another my-life-is-a-soap-opera-moment, we both lingered as we pulled out of the hug. His face and lips were literally inches from mine....

And I freaked out. My heart jumped to my throat and a voice inside my head screamed at me "Oh my God! He wants to kiss me! He's GOING to kiss me! What's worse, I want to kiss him! Oh shit! I'm SO NOT READY FOR THIS!" (Please keep in mind that I was less than a month out of an 5 year relationship that I still wasn't sure was over).

But he didn't kiss me. The moment passed, rather awkwardly. As I felt myself turn red, I mumbled something about being tired and goodnight and talk to you later and hightailed it inside, hoping the dark had hidden the flush that was now burning my face.

I closed the door and swore out loud. I let out a deep breath. Then I swore some more. I walked into my bedroom and verbally berated myself in my head, both for being such a wuss and for letting things get to that point in the first place. As I continued my diatribe, I heard something in the background and stopped. Was that a knock? I waited. After a minute or so, another soft knock.

I looked at the clock. After midnight. This was not the best neighborhood and when Mike had been there, we had had a couple of occasions in which a questionable character come to the door looking for someone who wasn't us and after learning the person they were looking for didn't live there, left quickly. Since Mike had left, I always parked as close to my front door as possible after dark and locked the door quickly behind me once I was in the apartment.

I peeked through the peep hole "Phew, it's just Armando. Crap. Now my face is all splotchy from washing it and it probably looks like I've been crying. Well, its not like I can NOT answer the door, he knows I'm here. He probably just forgot something here. Guess I'd better open the door, hopefully it won't be too awkward."

He looked at me and took a deep breath. :cue awkward silence:
(These aren't his exact words, but it's pretty darn close)
"Ever since my divorce I've been encouraging myself to seize the day. I don't want to end up regretting something because I was too much of chicken to do it. Sooooo.... would you mind if I gave you a kiss?"

Crap. My face was red again. And now it was just too awkward. I couldn't do it. Amid a tremendous amount of stammering and mumbling, I tried to explain to him that I couldn't kiss him until I was sure that if Mike came back and wanted me back that I could look him in the eye and tell him no. I didn't feel it was fair to myself, to Armando or to Mike to do anything otherwise. (I still stand behind this, I was one confused puppy and I needed to figure things out on my own before involving someone else)

The poor guy attempted to cover it, but I could tell he was pretty crushed. We said goodnight and as I closed the door I resisted the urge not to slam my head against the wall because of all the mixed emotions I had. (By the way, I must have done a lousy job at explaining to him why I couldn't kiss him because the next day he emailed me and apologized for misinterpreting my signals and hoped he hadn't offended me).

Looking back on it, our choice of movies for that night seems almost ironic. "Abres Los Ojos" in Spanish means "Open Your Eyes". If only I had had my eyes open, I would have realized that I was fighting my feelings and that the man standing on my porch who I was so terrified to kiss was going to turn out to be the man I would spend the rest of my life with.